This is my son pushing me off the proverbial cliff.
A lot of you know by now that a couple weeks ago I miscarried. The worst part being we were just in the safety zone of happily announcing it to the whole world. For me that's bad because I'm not very good at accepting sympathy, or praise for that matter. So the hugs and puppy dog eyes get nothing but an uncomfortable sideways glance and a muttering under my breath that I've been through worse and survived.
There's not one event in my life, good, messy or sickeningly awful I would take back because it's where I got to where I am, which is pretty okay if you ask me.
I took a little time to myself to mourn. Somewhat the little being inside that I never got to meet, but more so the loss of the vision I had for the next few years of my life.
Two and a half years ago I sat out on my deck & stared up at the stars and thought, "I CAN do this!" Since then I have been working a full time job on top of growing my business....on top of being a mom to an insanely busy little boy. In the first year and a half I spent more time than you can imagine reading everything I could get my hands on to learn as much as possible both about photography and business. I swear some mornings after staying up till 3am that part of my brain was actually oozing out my ear from so much mind blowing information. I've worked harder than I ever had in my life, and that's saying something for someone who regularly held a minimum of 2 jobs and then threw some school in the mix!
In the past year I've probably spent 3x what I've earned on my business, but I was getting to where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was very exciting to think that in a year and a half when my maternity leave would be up I could be at a point that I could take the leap and have photography as my sole profession.
Well take that plan & chuck it.
Cue slap upside the head.
"You don't have to see the whole staircase to take the first step." -Martin Luther King Jr.
That was the first thing I saw a couple days after when I opened my email. It was from a company I had taken a photography course from in the fall.
Right! It doesn't have to be a leap off a cliff, but a step up a staircase instead. Obviously I can be a little thick.
So I've taken a step. Just a baby step. But a step towards finding a little more balance and time for my family & the photography dream that lights my fire. After talking to my super incredible and understanding boss at my 'real job' (did I mention totally awesome? probably best boss I've ever had? and no I'm totally not sucking up JP), we worked out a plan to reduce my hours just enough that I can still just barely cover the bills for some security, but have more time to focus on my family & business. (so photography will hopefully keep food on the table....no pressure....just kidding, please book now! lol)
I'm excited to see where I'll be a few years from now. Wherever a million baby steps take me to look back & understand why things work out the way they do & be grateful always for exactly where I am right now.
I hear ya on the hate the sympathy comments and puppy dog eyes!! Tough! That is how I want people to see me too. Take some time to mourn though. I hated getting to the point where I exhaled and had things planned only to have them turned upside down. Inside I hurt, but the outside had to be tough or I would have been a mess and wasn't sure I could get it back together.
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